Firelight
by StarryNight
Summary: Duo's got some different beliefs going on...and what he sees can change the pilots' lives...forever.... YAOI WARNING!
1. Chapter 1

Firelight  
By: Elizabeth Dunn  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am using them for entertainment, not profit. If you sue me, all you'll get are my medical bills and college loans.  
Rating: PG-13  
Pairing: 1x2/2x1 (eventually), 3x4  
Author's Notes: *sighs* I so rarely have time to write any more, but I've been struck with the urge to write a fic that accurately portrays the Craft-not that any of the others out there aren't good-because they are-but as a practitioner of the Craft, I wanted to see if I could put some of that in a fic format. And, believe it or not, Duo is a perfect Wiccan :) Yes, you need discipline-which he has to have, as a Gundam pilot, but you also need to have a passion that's soul-deep. I will warn you-many of Duo's thoughts and philosophies about Wicca come straight from my own learnings and experiences. And, just to head off those potential flames at the pass-the Craft and Catholicism-or any form of Christianity for that matter-are not contradictory and mutually exclusive. I know this for a fact. I go to a Catholic college, and the Sisters here are very open and understanding about Wicca. They encourage my friend and I to practice our beliefs, and we have had many discussions on the similarities between aspects of our respective beliefs. And I'm going to stop rambling right now, and move on with the fic :-p   
Archiving: Anywhere, just keep my name and disclaimers attached.  
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be ignored and used to heat my dorm room.  
  
**********  
  
Flames.  
  
I've always been enchanted with fire. I can stare at a campfire, a fire in a fireplace-hell, even a candle-for hours on end. Sometimes, I even see visions in the dancing flames. I can see the past, the present...the future. It's kind of like the Zero System, but it's so much more...friendly. Comforting. Some people might be terrified by the thought, but I know that I'd be terrified if I ever *lost* my ability to See.  
  
Not that fire is my only medium...it's just easiest. Water and mirrors work well for scrying...and of course, there's crystal gazing...but all of those take large amounts of time, concentration, and some trancework...all things that I often lack. Not to mention privacy.  
  
And somehow I think Heero wouldn't be happy if I were to start casting a circle in our room. I finger the cross I wear around my neck. He thinks I'm Catholic, and that belief is enough of a waste of time. But I'm sure that he'd have an easier time with that than with my claiming I can See the future sometimes, or with my casting of spells. I don't think...no, I *know* that he'd see magic as a waste of time.  
  
My hand clenches at the cross again. Yes, I do wear a cross, and yes I do read the Bible. There is wisdom in the Bible that crosses *all* religion boundaries, and the cross is not an exclusively Christian symbol. I do not mean to offend, but it was not invented just for the crucification of Christ-it's a very ancient and powerful symbol, almost like the pentacle. And yes, I have one of those, too. Several, actually. I just don't display them openly. I'm not sure how everyone would react to that little bit of knowledge about me...and I value their friendships too much to risk losing them.  
  
A flicker of movement that I catch out of the corner of my eye draws my attention back to the fireplace. With normal vision, all I can see are the dancing orange and yellow flames...but I'm aware of something deeper. Mustering up mental strength, I call upon the Sight...and I am overwhelmed by the visions that cascade through me....  
  
"Duo? Duo...are you all right?" I blink-how long had I been lost in trance? I look over my shoulder to see Quatre looking at me with concern, and for a moment my mind superimposes one of the images I had just Seen...Quatre, covered in blood.... I blink again, shaking my head. Abruptly, I see just a concerned blonde. He kneels next to me. "Duo?" he asks again.  
  
"I'm fine, Quatre. I was just daydreaming, I guess." I chuckle, trying to cover up my unease.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, Q, I'm sure. I must be more tired than I had thought."  
  
He smiles. "Why don't you take a nap, then?"  
  
"A nap...good idea. Thanks, Quatre."  
  
"No problem!" He leaves the room, probably heading back to Trowa's embrace. I envy them, sometimes.... My wistfulness disappears as vague recollections come back to me.   
  
Sighing, I get to my feet, intent on my bed. Not to sleep, but to try and meditate, to gain clearer images and interpretations of what had just occurred. I don't notice how I got to my room, I just open the door.   
  
My eyes briefly scan over Heero's form as I take a seat on my bed. Typing away at his laptop...big surprise there. I stifle my laugh, instead taking two stones out of my nightstand. Placing one in each palm, I lean back against the wall and close my eyes, attempting to ground myself in preparation for meditation. Normally I wouldn't do this with someone in the room, even someone as oblivious as Heero, but this seems too urgent to take the time to find a more isolated site and cleanse it. I honestly think that I'm better off in my own space right now. At least Heero should appreciate the lack of chatter.  
  
I feel the breathing pattern take me over-I don't even have to think about it any more. Inhale four beats, hold four beats, exhale four beats [1]. My mind clears, and right about now, Heero could be studying me with an electron microscope and I wouldn't notice.  
  
As soon as I fall into a light trance state, images begin to flash through my mind. A battle...but not in the Gundams. The five of us, hand-to-hand combat, severely outnumbered. I force myself to back away and look at the big picture, force myself to not watch my friends dying-no, being slaughtered.  
  
First-where are we? As I scan the landscape, I recognize the house-our current safehouse-moments before it blows up. I swallow. Whatever's going on-it's going to happen *soon*. We rarely stay in one place more than a week-two, tops-at a time. I look up to the sky and swallow. The moon is full and riding high in the sky, a few degrees past zenith. Orion is setting, Leo is following the moon. Around two in the morning [2].  
  
I turn again-just in time to see Quatre. The vision from earlier comes back in full force as I watch him fall to the ground covered with blood, eyes lifeless and cold. I can't even tell which one of his many injuries killed him...maybe they all did. Turning from that sight, I move just in time to see Heero-who is shooting valiantly-be felled by a bullet from the bastard that managed to sneak up on him from behind. I can't help it-I open my mouth and scream-  
  
And find myself shaken awake, Heero's hands gripping my shoulders. My eyes meet his, and for a second I have trouble distinguishing the real world from the one inside my head-it's always like that when I'm jerked from a trance without preparation. 'You're dead,' I think, but then he speaks, and I remember where-and who-I am again.  
  
"Duo."  
  
I blink. "Hai, Heero?"  
  
"Are you awake now?"  
  
He thinks I was sleeping.... "Yeah. Ummm...can you let go of my shoulders now?"  
  
Heero releases me, but doesn't back away like I expected. I can't tear my eyes away from his.... "You were screaming," he says quietly.  
  
'No shit.' I can't say that, though. "I'm sorry, Heero. I was seeing something rather...disturbing." Hooray for Duo Maxwell and the understatement of the century.   
  
He's not looking away...my mental strength is low, thanks to my little experience, and I'm having a hard time hiding my feelings. This is *not* how I want Heero Yuy to discover I love him. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
I blink--*that* was unexpected. "Ummm...not right now, all right? Soon." He nods and returns to his laptop. Sighing, I rise from my bed and, trying to balance on shaky legs, I leave the room with only one last glance at the one I love.  
  
Somehow, I make it to the kitchen, where I immediately head for the calendar. Scanning the boxes, I find what I'm searching for-the date of the full moon. I have to fight to restrain my gasp as I manage to collapse into a kitchen chair instead of on the floor.  
  
Four days. I have four days to tell everyone what's going on, convince them that I'm *not* insane and that I am speaking truth, and to avert disaster.  
  
I don't have such a good feeling about this....  
  
************  
  
end part 1   
  
[1] A standard breathing pattern for meditation purpose. It can also be done to three and five beats as well :)  
  
[2] No, I'm not making this up :) In case anyone is curious, this is the night sky that would be seen on March 9th at 2AM, assuming you live in the Northern Hemisphere, between 40 and 50 degrees latitude (which covers the US from the Canadian border to about halfway down-imagine drawing a line across the country starting at Philadelphia; Houston and San Francisco would fall on this line too-much of Japan, and central Europe, including Paris and Madrid). March 9th, btw, is really the full moon. And thus ends this impromptu astronomy lesson :)  
  
And this little project is spiraling out of control :-p Looks like I can't write anything but series for *any* fandom :) Well, if this is liked, I'll continue working when I have the time, if not, well, more time to do the things I *should* be doing-like my lab report :-p  



	2. Chapter 2

**********  
  
I must be really out of it-somehow, I managed to go back to the fireplace again. Not a big surprise, since flame has always been a comfort to me before. But, considering what just happened.... I turn away from the flames and instead stare out the window onto the yard. It's a pretty place, an isolated cabin, and the scenes of nature outside is peaceful...yet I can't forget what I saw, how soon the ground will be running with blood and how the building I'm sitting in will be no more than a pile of burnt-out rubble.... If I don't figure out the best way to approach this problem, that is.  
  
You see, I'm kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place here. On the one hand-and the hand that is currently winning right now, and will more than likely continue to do so-I don't want my friends to die. When it comes down to it, I'd sacrifice my own life before seeing any of them hurt. But....  
  
And therein lies my second dilemma. They have no idea about me. I've been safely tucked away in my broom closet for fear of rejection, hate, and anger. Now, if the circumstances were different, I'm sure that I could 'come out,' so to speak, with slightly less trouble. Sure, it probably wouldn't be pretty, but it'd be safer for me personally if, for example, Quatre walked in on me while I was casting a circle, then if I were to sit all of them down at once and tell them that I just foresaw their deaths. Oh, yeah, *that* would be pleasant.  
  
'Do as ye will, an' ye shall do no harm.' [1] The statement rises up out of my head, followed by the threefold rule [2]. And in that...my choice is made, for what else can I do? I could run, leaving my friends behind to die-never! I could keep my silence, and we can all go down together.... Frankly, I-and I'm sure the rest of them-prefer living. Or...I could sit the guys down and have a calm, rational discussion with them, where I reveal my religious practices, and then tell them about my vision. The most terrifying choice...but, in a sense, the *only* choice-the only one I feel comfortable making, anyway.  
  
Propping my chin on my knees, I ponder the best way and time to approach this. No, scratch that. I only have four days. The telling has to be done *now*, tonight, if we want to live through this. Assuming no one wants to kill me, and everyone excepts this right away as truth-and allowing for a day for any shock to be processed-that will give us enough time to do *something*--plan, escape, whatever. I certainly can't wake everyone up at midnight on the night of the attack, casually tell everyone we're about to die, so just follow me. Nope...wouldn't work. I sigh. I'm terrified...this isn't going to be easy....  
  
I jump when I hear a throat being cleared behind me. I whirl around to face whoever just took five years of my life. "Wufei?"  
  
"Dinner's ready, Maxwell. Are you going to join us?"  
  
I nod, grinning. "Of curse, Wu-man!" He sighs, but for once doesn't protest the nickname...odd. Oh, well. Rising, I follow him into the kitchen, where Quatre, Trowa, and Heero are already seated. Well, I now have my 'when' pinned down. Right after dinner. Feeling a surge of relief at that decision made, I slide into my seat next to Heero, being sure to 'accidentally' brush against him as I sit. I can't help it-I live for those touches. "Hey, everyone!"  
  
Quatre's eyes meet mine. "Are you all right, Duo?" he asks me. I know he's referring to earlier...and I can feel Heero's eyes on me as well.   
  
I sigh. "Not...completely. I need to talk with all of you, after dinner. Can I?"  
  
Glances are exchanged, and everyone nods. I sigh again, in relief this time. "Thanks."  
  
Quatre smiles. "No problem, Duo. We're here for you."  
  
The meal passes in silence. Normally, I'm constantly chattering, but this time, I'm too busy thinking my own thoughts. And all of them are about religion.  
  
My eyes rest on Quatre. Glancing at him surreptitiously, I think about his religious beliefs. I *know* he's a Sunni Muslim...though I've sometimes suspected a Sufi influence as well [3]. He's never bothered to hide his faith. We've discussed similarities in the Bible and Koran before, he practices the five pillars-even the prayer five times a day and abstention from alcohol, and during Ramadan, I know he kept the month of fasting. Quatre's generally an accepting guy...but I have to wonder, now. Even though his branch of Muslim is more open...it usually applies to Christianity and even Judaism, since they are all in the same religious 'family.' When it comes to this...I'm not so sure.  
  
Wufei. When it comes to him, I'm not sure of his religion, or even what it would be, though I'd lean towards Confucianism or Taoism. One of those logical religions that are more philosophies than religions...but they both have a strong emphasis on justice and the proper way of things, so they'd actually make sense for him [4]. Knowing that, though, I can't imagine him taking my little disclosure well.  
  
Trowa, though, and Heero...these two are the major wild cards. With what I now about their pasts, I sincerely doubt that either them ever had time or inclination for religion of any sort. Heero especially. I mean, the guy was trained to be practical to a fault-religion very often does not fit that category. For someone whose life rests on facts and proof, blind faith probably isn't something he relies on too often.  
  
My fork hits my empty plate, and I blink, realizing that I had managed to actually *eat* while lost in thought. I lift my eyes from the table, and see four pilots boring holes into me with their eyes, various degrees of expectancy on their faces. I smile, though even I know it's shaky.  
  
"Shall we take this into the other room?" I ask quietly, rising and moving into the living room. I hear a shuffle, and I know I'm being followed.  
  
Ignoring the furniture, I sit on the floor, back to the fire. I can't risk the possibility of distraction. Heero raises an eyebrow at me, but doesn't say anything, instead taking a seat on the couch. Trowa and Quatre join him, while Wufei chooses to sit on a chair. All eyes are on me. Swallowing, I look down, afraid.  
  
I can hear Wufei sigh. "Maxwell...I'm assuming that you have something important to say. Please get on with it."  
  
I raise my eyes, regarding them all. "Only if you promise to hear me out completely before any of you say anything." I'm given silent nods of assent. "Fine, then."  
  
I take a deep breath. "I've got a few things to say, actually. Some of this is...personal, but it's necessary." I slip my hand into my pocket and grasp my hematite, knowing that I'll need all the help I can get [5].  
  
I look down, then back up again. "I'm no Catholic, like you all believe I am. Actually, I'm Pagan, a Wiccan." Eyes widen and eyebrows rise. Goddess grant me strength.... "Normally, I wouldn't bother telling all of you something like this, but I have to-the situation demands it."  
  
I stand, feeling the need to pace. "The God and Goddess, in all their infinite wisdom, and probably a perverse sense of humor, decided to gift me with the Sight, or, in layman's terms, the ability to see the future. Earlier today when I was watching the fire, I was overcome by a vision. When I went back to my room to meditate, the vision became painfully clear."  
  
I stop pacing and face them, my eyes meeting theirs. "Guys...in four days it will be the full moon. In four days, we will be overrun in the middle of the night by OZ forces, and we will be slaughtered." They are still silent, but I can sense the disbelief. My tone becomes more serious, more urgent. "This is the only reason I'm even telling you about my religious beliefs. The only reason I'm opening myself up to shame and ridicule. We will *die* in four days' time if we don't do something!" I sink back to the ground again.  
  
"Is...is that all?" Quatre asks. His voice sounds painfully neutral.   
  
"Yes, yes it is," I whisper. I have a distinct feeling that, somewhere out there, Loki [6] is enjoying this cosmic joke at my expense.  
  
The silence drags on. Finally, I have to look up. "Guys, please...say something. *Anything*."  
  
Just from the looks on certain faces, I have a feeling that I'm going to regret that request.  
  
**********  
  
end part 2  
  
  
[1] One of the basic tenants of Wicca. Basically, it means that you should live your life in a way that makes you happy, as long as your thoughts and actions cause no harm to yourself, others, and the world around you. This is why, to me anyway, it's always so laughable to hear someone say that Wiccans practice black magic, because, under this principle, which basically is the foundation for *everything* in Wicca, a true Wiccan just simply wouldn't be capable of black magic :)  
  
[2] The threefold rule, also called the karmic law, if you've ever heard of that, basically says that whatever you do comes back to you threefold. Good deeds come back to you amplified, but just as equally, evil deeds, thoughts, and actions *also* come back to you threefold. You can see where this, combined with the 'no harm' principle, kind of disarms every Wicca=Satanist argument out there. Well, at least *I* can see it :)   
  
[3] *sighs* blame required religion classes for the precision here. Just for quick reference, Sunni is the branch of Islam that is practiced by 85% of the Muslim populace. It actually embraces diversity, and believes in a separation of church and state. All the fanatics that are associated with Islam come from the Shi'ite branch, which has much more religions fanaticism and believes in a theocracy. Sufi is the mystical branch of Islam, that believes in things like magic and miracles and such. It's practiced by around 3-5% of the Muslim populace, and it's actually pretty cool. And thank you Sister Francis Regis Carlton and her Comparative Religion class :)  
  
[4] Again, straight from Comparative Religion. I'm sorry if I'm boring or insulting you with these explanations-I'm not trying to talk down to anyone, believe me-but for what Duo's going through, his analysis of these things make sense...at least, to me. I just don't want to leave anyone in the dark. I may be Wiccan, but I study other religions as well, just because there are so many things that cross beliefs.  
  
[5] I'm really getting some divers end notes here :-p Okay, back into Wiccan mode. Hematite is a mineral that has strong Earth influences. It's good for balance and grounding during meditation. It's also calming and supposed to relieve stress-and I think it does, or at least my pieces do that :) I think it's a good choice for Duo here-he kinda needs all of these things right now :)  
  
[6] Loki: The Norse trickster god. He enjoys doing this kind of thing to mortals-putting them in situations that, when looked at in a certain way, have a perverse sense of humor. My friend Deb and I swear that he has a large hand in our lives right now :-p   
  



	3. Chapter 3

  
**********  
  
Quatre swallows, and I move my eyes to him. I can practically *see* the wheels in his head turning. "Let...let me make sure we've got this straight. You, Duo, are a Wiccan." I nod. "And...you say that you had a vision that foretells our deaths-and this will be happening in four days?"  
  
I nod again. "That's basically the gist of it." I've rarely been this afraid. I've faced *battles* with less trepidation.  
  
Of course, then my life was the only thing on the line. Right now, I've got my heart laid bare.  
  
"Can I ask a question?" Leave it to Quatre to be the only one speaking.  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Can you tell me a little more about Wicca?"  
  
I sigh. If that's all he wants.... "Sure. Wicca is a religion that celebrates Nature and the duality of all aspects contained within. There is a God and a Goddess, acknowledging the male and female aspects of all things. It is very much a celebration of life. It accepts all religious beliefs. 'Above all gods, there is one God, above all Goddesses, there is one Goddess, and above these things, there is one universal Truth.'" [1]  
  
Wufei looks at me. "Magic," he says. I don't know how much longer I can handle these emotionless voices.  
  
"What about it?" All right, so I can't resist being a smartass-it's *Wufei*.  
  
"Do you believe in it...practice it?"  
  
I sigh. Should've know someone would ask this one-I mean, magic is what everyone associates with things like this [2]. "First of all, there's a difference between magic and magick." I spell the words for them. " 'Magic' is, in Wiccan circles, what you associate with...." I fumble for examples. "avid Copperfield, for example, or Sigfreid and Roy [3]. You know, illusions, things like that. Magick is what I, and many other Wiccans do, so, yes, Wufei, I do practice magick. Mainly candle magic, a few other ritual spells, and circle casting." Yes, I know casting a circle isn't *exactly* what most would consider magical, but for me, it is an act of magick.   
  
I see movement out of the corner of my eye. I turn to face Trowa, who is clenching his fists. "Evil," he murmurs. "Consorting with the Devil, selling souls...what are you trying to do-convert us into you evil ways?!"  
  
I flinch. I wasn't expecting this kind of outburst from the normally silent Trowa. I shake my head, holding back tears. "No...it's not like that. Wicca doesn't seek new members...we don't recruit. It's something you have to find for yourself...something that you have to feel a connection with in your soul [4]. And there is not, nor has there ever been, any Devil in the Craft." I know I'm getting pissed and upset when I start lapsing into those non-PC terms. "We aren't evil--*I'm* not evil! I thought you knew that about me."  
  
"Maybe we don't know you." That from Wufei over in his corner. My heart feels so empty.... "You believe in things that are, at best, illogical and at worst, dangerous. How do we know that you are telling truths?"  
  
I can feel the tears slipping down my cheeks. "That can be said about any religion," I whisper. "Nobody abuses Quatre for believing in an Allah whose existence he can't prove."  
  
"Yes, but Duo, my religion is based in centuries of tradition, and-" [5]  
  
"And mine is based in *millennia* of tradition!" I snap, cutting Quatre off [6]. "Wicca traces its roots back to the ancient Goddess religions that thrived in Europe-particularly the Germanic and Celtic religions-that were in existence and being worshiped before the founding of the Roman Empire! That, by the way, was *before* Christianity, and *definitely* before the founding of Islam. So don't give me that."  
  
Silence reigns once again. I haven't heard anything from Heero yet, and...I'm worried. I love him-I doubt he loves me, but still...I don't want to lose his friendship. And it seems I'm on that path with the others, anyway.  
  
Trowa stands and faces me. "*Never* insult Quatre like that again," he growls. I'm feeling very threatened here....  
  
"Trowa...he didn't insult me. He has a point, actually." Quatre grins, trying to relieve some of the tension. Not working, buddy, sorry.  
  
"Still...he comes in here, gives us a bunch of *crap* about magic and seeing the future, and expects us to believe it? Maybe Duos' not evil-but he's sure as hell delusional!" Trowa goes to stand by the window.  
  
"I'm afraid I have to side with Trowa here," Wufei says softly. "It is impossible to see the future...and magic doesn't exist." He moves to stand beside Trowa. Great...factions are forming...I wonder if I should start counting down the remaining seconds of my life....  
  
Quatre sighs. "'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,/Than are dreamt of in your philosophy,'" [7] he murmurs. "Maybe Duo's right...maybe he *can* see the future...no matter what, we should respect Duo's beliefs...and treat what he's saying with dignity." I *hate* being talked about like I'm not here! "If he's right...." Quatre moves to stand near me, much to both Trowa's and my surprise. I thought those two were permanently joined at the hip in *everything*.  
  
I turn to look at the one person who hasn't spoken up yet. "Heero?" I ask softly, afraid, but needing to know.  
  
He snorts. "Religion is useless. But it's not a threat to the mission."  
  
"But...but what about what I saw?"  
  
"More than likely nightmares and hallucinations."  
  
Heero's words spark a discussion in the room about what I said. The only one willing to even consider my vision as truth is Quatre, and even his belief is shaky. The room spins, as I focus back in-the discussion is no an argument between Quatre and Wufei about my mental fitness...I think I'm going to be sick....  
  
"I'm sorry," I murmur. "Great Goddess, I'm sorry...I did harm without intending...and now I have nothing...." I turn and run from the room. Darting into Heero's and my room, I grab a small bag out of my duffel bag and makes tracks for the outdoors. Nice-everyone's so busy arguing that they don't even see me. I bet Treize and Zechs could come in right now performing the Waltz of the Sugarplum Faeries and no one would bat an eye. Quietly, I slip outside-I need quiet and indoors is not the place for it.  
  
As soon as I leave the house, I run towards a grove of trees I had spotted earlier from the window. When I get there, I nod. Perfect. Putting down my bag, I rummage around until I find my sea salt, sage smudge stick, and my athame [8]. I pause for a moment, considering, before I also take out my flask of water. I'm sure I'll find another fast running brook at some point.  
  
Taking a moment to gather myself, I prepare to cast my circle [9].I look up to the sky, orienting myself. Picking up the sea salt, I begin to cast a six foot circle, starting at the east compass point and walking clockwise, invoking the Earth for protection from the physical world. When I return to east, I take up the water, sprinkling it along the salt line I had just left, invoking Water for clarity. East again, I light the sage and walk the circle again, using the smoke to invoke Air for focus. I make the trip again with the sage, this time using the embers of the sage to invoke Fire for protection from the psychic plane. Drawing my athame, I walk the circle one more time, sealing it with my personal Power, allowing it to flow though the metal into the ground, locking the safety into the area ringed by the circle.  
  
Once my circle is cast, I pause for a second, considering. I'm not planning on any spell or trancework, and I'm too keyed up to meditate. I make my decision. Raising my hands to the sky, I begin to chant and move in the patterns of the Spiral Dance [10], always conscious of my energy in the circle boundary, allowing my consciousness to join with the world around me.  
  
I lose track of time as I whirl in the dance. It's never the same twice, but it always does it's job-centering me, bringing me back to myself. Panting, I throw myself to the ground, halting the dance before I can get too drawn in. Sprawled on the ground, I can still feel the currents and auras around me...which clues me in to something that shouldn't be there.  
  
Warily, I turn around...and my jaw drops. Heero...standing just beyond the edge of the circle, propped up against a tree...staring at me. I can feel his intense eyes bore into mine, as I meet his gaze, still panting. I've always wanted to share a moment like this with Heero...just not in this way.  
  
"Heero?" I ask softly. My voice seems to break a spell.  
  
"Duo," he whispers. There's something in his eyes I've never seen before...oh, my....  
  
I think I'm about to become lost....  
  
**********  
  
end part 3   
  
[1] This is the philosophy of Wicca in a *very* condensed nutshell. Whole books have been written on the subject, and it's one of those things that you can spend your whole life learning and expanding on. In Wicca, as in life, nothing is static-everything flows and changes.  
  
[2] Fair warning-what Duo says here is what I have learned, believe, and practice. So this whole section is coming straight from me.   
  
[3] We're just going to pretend that these people are still known of :)  
  
[4] This is 100% *true*. As with all religions, you have to feel a draw toeards Wicca for it to have any meaning. One of the reasons that Wiccans don't 'recruit' is because we (in the general use of the word-doesn't apply to all) feel that you life, heart, and soul will lead you to Wicca if that is truly the path for you. So, in case anyone thinks this, I am *not* writing this fic as a 'recruitment tool.' It is just a fic that happens to deal with my interpretations of what one of the characters could be like, much like fics that have a Catholic Duo, or center around a Muslim Quatre. It is meant to entertain, and to try and disable stereotypes, that's all. *blushes and steps off of soapbox* Ummm...sorry, people :)  
  
[5] You would not believe how many times I've been handed that argument...and it's usually Christians and Muslims that hand me that. The Jewish people seem to have more sense than to take that track-probably because that is the one religion still in existence that rivals Wicca in age-is actually probably older if you translate the events in the Torah into dates. Which, in case you're curious, places Exodus around 1504-1454 BCE.   
  
[6] *grins* My standard answer to that argument :)  
  
[7] Quote from Shakespeare's 'Hamlet'-can't remember act and scene. Just be happy I didn't quote the 'To be or not to be' soliloquy :-p  
  
[8] An athame is a ritual dagger. It's used in various ways, but usually to direct power while casting a circle or a spell.  
  
[9] Casting a circle is a very personal thing. There are certain forms to follow, but every Wiccan does things a bit differently. Duo's ritual is actually one of my own formulas...yes, I cast a circle in several different ways.  
  
[10] This is a beautiful ritual dance. It is incredibly difficult to describe...in fact, there is no real set pattern beyond the basic framework steps, which I really can't outline, since I have no idea how to make a dance chart :-p Basically it is a way of connecting with all planes of existence through the harmony of body and soul.   
  
**********  



	4. Chapter 4

**********  
  
Heero starts to approach me, and I throw up a hand in warning. "Stop-don't cross the circle." I stand and look around on the ground for my athame. When I find it, I look up again and realize that Heero has come as close as possible to the circle's edge without crossing it...and he's still looking at me. For a moment, I can't decide if I'm glad or disappointed that I decided to not work skyclad [1], but I put that out of my mind.  
  
Heero opens his mouth, and I shake my head. "Not-not yet." I don't think I've ever dismantled a circle so fast in my life. When I feel that the energy and the elements have returned to their normal states, I regard Heero. "Why were you watching me?" I ask. "And for how long?"  
  
I didn't know that Heero could look uncertain, but he does. "I...followed you out here," he admits, not meeting my eyes.  
  
"Why?" I take a seat at the foot of a tree. Knowing Heero, we could be here forever while I try and drag answers out of him.  
  
"Why did you run away?" he retorts, sitting down next to me.  
  
Fine...we'll play this his way. "Hell, Heero-you saw what was going on in there. You were even part of it." I drop my gaze to my lap. "I...just had to get out of there. I know you think this is a waste of time and that my vision isn't real. But...to have people say basically that you're lying, or hallucinating, or evil...." I swallow. "It hurts," I finish in a broken whisper. "It really does. I...needed to balance myself again."  
  
He's silent for a minute. "I don't know why I followed you," he says. I sit up-I hadn't expected him to actually answer my question. "I saw you leave...and I felt like I had to follow you." Heero's eyes narrow. "You didn't cast some sort of spell on me, did you?" he demands.  
  
"I thought you didn't believe in that stuff," I say, trying to lighten the mood. He just continues to glare at me and I sigh. "No," I say. "It would be unethical and unforgivable to cast a spell of that sort. I would never force anyone to do anything against their will." I may want Heero's love, but not enough to compromise everything I hold sacred. Besides, his love wouldn't be...real, if it was because of something on my part. And that's not what I want.  
  
We fall silent. My eyes travel to the sky, and I can't help swallowing as my vision automatically tracks the moon, just reminding me of something I'd *really* like to forget...but I can't. I shiver-now that I'm still and out of my space, I'm feeling the chill in the air. "Heero? What's going on inside-because I'm getting cold, but I don't think I can handle another scene like the one I left."  
  
Heero looks at me. "Better give it a few more minutes. Wufei walked away, but Quatre was trying to calm Trowa."  
  
I wince. "Damn...that's my fault, too. If I managed to damage their relationship...."  
  
Heero's finger descending on my lips shocks me into silence. "Duo...if their love is true, then would this really destroy them?"  
  
"I...I guess not."  
  
His eyes pin me. "And if they're really your friends, won't they accept you for who you are?"  
  
I pull back a little. "Who are you and what have you done with Heero? Besides...weren't you one of the ones telling me that I'm delusional and there's no such thing as being able to See the future and magick and all that?"  
  
He leans back against the tree again. "I don't know. When I was watching you...I felt something. You...seemed so...calm. At peace. I think I got to see who you really are. So...maybe there's no such thing as magic and foretelling...but...." He leans closer to me, hand moving to brush my cheek, cupping it. "It seems to exist for you." I look into Heero's eyes, and for a second, I think I see the person he would've been in another dimension, who he was in another lifetime...not the silent killer, but someone...else.... But he pulls away and the moment is broken.  
  
"Damn you, Duo," he hisses, standing abruptly. "You've cast some sort of spell on me."  
  
I blink back the tears that I feel forming in my eyes again. For a second I thought that, maybe, it was possible that Heero feels something for me, but.... I rise to my feet as well, picking up my bag. "No, Heero. I never placed a spell on you-how could I, when you placed your spell on me long ago?" Without bothering to see his reaction to my words, I flee, running for the relative safety of the house. Relative, since, well, it's going to be gone soon, and I know the hostility in there is thick, but I can deal with that.  
  
What I *can't* deal with is knowing that, with those few words, I had basically laid my heart bare. And it hurts, in a way more than earlier had. Friendships can be restructured, but hearts...hearts never truly heal. They always carry the ghost of cracks.   
  
And those cracks hurt...sometimes as much as the original injury.  
  
I realize that I'm standing there with my head pressed to the doorframe. Gathering my courage, I enter the house...to be confronted with Trowa standing in the living room, by all appearances waiting for me. I can't read the expression on his face, and, honestly, my mood is so frayed that I don't care.  
  
"Good evening, Trowa. I suppose you think I was out there sacrificing goats and fornicating with demons. So sorry to disappoint." I move to walk by him, but he moves into my path.   
  
"Duo. Wait."  
  
I stop, but I refuse to meet his eyes.  
  
"Duo...I want to apologize for the way I reacted before. I...didn't understand. I still don't, but you are my friend...and I know that the Duo I know isn't evil-far from it."  
  
I sigh. "But you still don't believe me." It's not a question. I know his answer before he says it.  
  
"I...Duo, it's a hard story to swallow. Even Quatre...."  
  
"I know, Trowa. I really do. Just...thank you for apologizing." I try to move around him again and this time he lets me.  
  
"Duo?"  
  
I don't bother turning around. "Yeah?"  
  
"Where's Heero?"  
  
I can feel my shoulders slump. "Outside still." My tone must forestall any further questions, because he doesn't try to stop me again as I finally make into the hall.  
  
When I reach my-our-room, I pause for a second. Do I want to go right to bed, in hopes that I will either be asleep or that I can feign sleep when Heero comes back, or do I listen to my body-and everything I've learned about purification-and take a shower? Shower. I need to feel the comforting caress of water on my skin after a night like tonight.  
  
Entering the bathroom, I shed my clothes, turning the water on, allowing a steamy mist to fill the room. Stepping under the hot flow, I absently reach for my soap-for some reason, no one else touches the sandalwood/lavender mix that I find so soothing-and wash. I can feel the water rinsing away the negativity and impurities of the mind. Not everything has to be full of rituals-any moment can be an act of communing with the Gods. It's not something you have to limit to stratified forms and functions.   
  
Especially when you're a Solitary like me. Especially where's there no one out there you can trust, no way of making contact with others in the Craft....  
  
Especially when your life can suddenly be numbered in hours-because if the others never believe me, I certainly won't run and save myself. I'll face my fate with them.  
  
Especially when your world is crashing down around you.  
  
Sighing, I turn off the water. After I dry off and throw on a clean pair of boxers, I make my way back to the room I share with Heero. I'm not sure if I'm hoping if he's there so we can talk, or if he hasn't returned yet....  
  
I probably should've specified a third choice-because he's here, but he's doing what I had contemplated earlier. I don't know if he's asleep or not. In case he really is asleep, I enter the room much more quietly than normal.  
  
He doesn't acknowledge my presence, not really-but I've spent so much time secretly watching him that I see the subtle tension that enters his frame that others would've missed. He knows I'm here. He just doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Sighing, I curl up in my own bed, back to Heero for the first time in...a long time. Even when he's mad, he at least acknowledges me somehow-usually with an 'omae o korosu,' but it's still *something*. This...this is deeper than anger.  
  
And what with potentially losing respect from my friends, losing trust, possibly losing my *life*....  
  
It's almost unbearable. But I'll bear it. Even though I make sure to sleep with a pouch of mugwort [2] and a tiger's eye [3] with me...just in case.  
  
**********  
  
end part 4  
  
[1] Nude   
  
[2] An herb that's used for protection and healing dreams.  
  
[3] A *gorgeous* stone that has protective qualities. It's a stone ruled by the elements Fire and Air. It can be really powerful-mine, for example, is warded to protect me from harm intended through occult means, since there *are* people out there who practice the black arts...for most Wiccans, we consider it common sense to keep something like this around. Though I think Duo is using it more as a protection from any negative vibrations *he* might end up sending off in his pain.  
  
**********  
  



	5. Chapter 5

Morning.  
  
I can tell before I even open my eyes that I'm alone in the room. But not in the house-I can *feel* the tension in the house-and it's all about me. Damn.  
  
I suppose I have to face them some time...might as well be now.  
  
Goddess, give me strength.  
  
I throw on some clothes, ready to face whatever my fate might be. I'm about to put on my traditional cross, when I stop, my hand hovering over the chain. With a sigh, I change my mind and put on one of my pentacles instead. I've nothing to hide anymore, and I'm not about to closet myself again-I'm tired of trying to hide who I am.  
  
Warily, I make my way into the kitchen, where everyone else is gathered around the table, staring into their respective cups. I don't think I've ever felt the tension so thick-I'm almost afraid to move, let alone speak. However-coffee is calling. I'm not about to face this much stress without caffeine.  
  
After all, three days left and counting....  
  
My customary chair is empty, but I choose to lean on the counter and remain standing. I'm not going to be the one to make the first move-not now. But it seems that no one is willing to look at me and acknowledge my presence. Nice to know that my last days are going to be spent being the social pariah.   
  
Finally, Quatre glances in my direction. "Good morning, Duo. His voice sounds kind of stilted-I don't blame him.  
  
"Morning, Quatre," I reply cautiously. "Sleep well?" Ahhh...the wonders of small talk.  
  
"Not really."  
  
"Bad dreams?"  
  
He looks at me for real this time, aqua eyes piercing mine. "No. Complicated thoughts." I feel myself flush, and I look down.  
  
"Sorry," I mumble, and I sidle out of the kitchen and into the living room, seating myself on the floor, again staring at the fireplace. The fire...what got me into this in the first place. I know it's irrational to blame the fire for my own abilities, but still...I look into my coffee mug instead.  
  
I hear a noise behind me, and I turn. Without my noticing, everyone followed me in here. Trowa, Quatre, and Heero on the couch, Wufei in the chair...this is looking too much like last night. Shit. Last night I felt like I was on trial-is it time for sentencing now?  
  
Somehow, I don't think I can throw myself on the mercy of *this* court.  
  
I cover up my doubt with a smirk. "Am I just that much fun to be around that you had to follow me?" I ask. I must be feeling better than I think if I can still manage the sarcasm-this might be a good sign....  
  
"Why are you still here?"  
  
Then again.... I can feel my heart fall into my shoes as I turn to look at Wufei. "Did I miss something? Should I be gone? Do-" I swallow tears-"do you all want me gone?"  
  
"Oh, no, Duo, don't think that!" Quatre looks so shocked, like he can't imagine where I ever got that idea. Guess he doesn't see....  
  
"That's not what I meant, Maxwell. I mean, if you're so convinced that we're all going to die soon-"  
  
"Three days," I interrupt tonelessly.  
  
"In three days, then why are you still here? Why haven't you left?"  
  
I meet his eyes. "Because I will meet my death with those I care about most. I refuse to leave you behind to suffer. If I can't make you believe me, then I will simply pretend that I did not receive my vision and I will live out what is left to me as I would've otherwise." My voice doesn't waver once-I'm proud of this for some reason.  
  
"But Duo...." My eyes are pulled to Trowa. "Regardless of whether or not we believe you...something *has* changed. We might-or might not-believe what you say, but you can bet that we're going to uncertain, more cautious."  
  
I raise an eyebrow. "And caution is a bad thing?" Silence greets this statement.  
  
"How did we die?"  
  
I jump-leave it to Heero to ask that question. "What?"  
  
"I want to know-how were we killed in this vision of yours?"  
  
I wince. "Heero...I know you're kind of morbid, but maybe everyone else doesn't want to know that."  
  
"Actually...I'm curious myself." Trowa nods, agreeing with Wufei. I meet Quatre's eyes, silently begging him to say no.  
  
Well, I've just confirmed that either one or both of us is not telepathic. He nods as well, albeit more reluctantly than the others. Fine...I know, I could refuse, but...well, do I have anything better to do than put myself through hell for my best friends? I mean, it's not like my social calendar is overflowing....  
  
I close my eyes, and, almost against my will, pictures begin to form in front of my eyes. I speak.... "Wufei...multiple gunshot wounds. Trowa...shot to the head. Quatre...shot to the chest...blood everywhere. Heero...shot from behind." I open my eyes to look on four faces colored with various degrees of shock. "I hope you're happy." I feel sick....  
  
"Duo...." Quatre blinks back tears. "I...how can you sit there like that? Your voice...it was so pained...you didn't want to...but you told us...why?"  
  
"Because you're my friends." It's the only answer I have.  
  
"I believe you."  
  
I blink. "Quatre? How...how can you suddenly say that?" Trowa's looking at Quatre...I can't explain how....  
  
"Because...you're my friend. You...the Duo I know wouldn't make something like this up as a joke-not and include our deaths as well. There has to be *something* going on...be it precognition, extreme paranoia...but something. If you think we're in danger, then...I'll believe you."  
  
"Thank you," I whisper. I know that I've probably gotten all the support I'm going to. Wufei and Trowa are confirmed skeptics, and Heero....  
  
I don't know what to think about him anymore. For a minute, last night, it seemed like he believed, but now...he's treating me the same as ever-colder, even. Maybe there *was* magick in the air last night, maybe I did have some sort of spell over him...but I know this much.  
  
Spells don't work unless the person the spell is cast on is receptive to it. I could cast of the love spells I wanted on-Quatre, for example, and nothing would happen, because he doesn't love me like that...doesn't even have that possibility within him. To Quatre, I will always be a friend and brother. He wouldn't even feel a spell-he'd be oblivious [1].  
  
If Heero feels like he's under some sort of spell, then...whatever magick was wrought last night he was receptive to. Can't pin this one all on me. I do not force or bend wills-the desire or the ability or whatever has to be in place al ready [2]. Is this a good thing or bad thing? I don't know. Because obviously Heero is in denial about feeling *anything*--so either way, it's a losing proposition for me.  
  
"...Duo? Duo, are you all right?" I blink and drag myself back to reality.   
  
"Yeah, Quatre, I'm fine. Just thinking." I look up and see that we're the only two left in the room. "Where did everybody go?"  
  
"They went to think...kind of like you." He smiles, then his face becomes more serious. "It'll be all right, Duo-they just need to absorb all this. You've managed to throw everything they've ever held to be true in disarray-there's bound to be some reactions to that. Even then, that doesn't guarantee they'll believe you." He looks sorrowful.  
  
"I don't want to be believed," I whisper. I really don't-that's not the important part any more. "I just want to be accepted for who I am-whether we have three days, three years, or three decades left to us."  
  
"Give it time," he says, before leaving the room, leaving me alone.  
  
Give it time. I can do that. They don't realize that I'm not as impatient as I appear to be. I can't be-otherwise, I would've made some fatal mistake and jumped Heero long ago. I know that the smart thing to do right now is to just remove myself from the situation.  
  
Sighing, I stand and head for the door. The grove where I had raised my circle last night sounds about right to me-I know how peaceful it is, and there might still be some lingering Power around, which will aid me in grounding if I need to. I'm certainly not going to get my supplies from my room-I don't want to risk running into Heero.  
  
As I reach the trees, I find myself sighing again. Apparently I *should* have gone to our room to avoid Heero...because here he is. He must've heard me, because he wheels around, our eyes meeting. "Duo?"  
  
"I-I'm sorry, Heero, I didn't think anyone would be out here. I'll be going now  
  
"No, don't go, Duo."  
  
I pause, shocked. "What?"  
  
He waves me over. "I want to ask you a couple things. I need more information."  
  
I should've known. "Sure thing," I say, plastering a smile on my face as I take a seat next to Heero. "What do you want to know?"   
  
"What were you doing out here last night?"  
  
My eyes wander out over the ground. I can still see the circle I had cast with vision that isn't true vision-another aspect of the Sight. No circle ever completely dissolves-there's always a remnant left in the physical world. "Do you want the short answer or the long one?"  
  
"Both."  
  
"Fine. The short answer is that I was connecting."  
  
"With what?"  
  
I look at Heero and grin at the confusion he's trying to hide. "That's the long answer. What was I connecting with? The world-Nature, the universe, the life all around me. Most importantly, I was trying to connect with my Self."  
  
"You were...disconnected?" I can't help laughing-Heero's so cute.  
  
"Well, yeah I was. Think about it, Heero. Last night-I felt so invalidated. I still do to some degree. Wicca is a large part of me, Heero, and it took a long time for me to reconcile a religion and philosophy that celebrates life with the death I cause as Deathscythe's pilot. But I did it-it's a part of me, a part of why I'm here. I kill so the greater world can one day know peace. And discovering that helped me make peace with myself. But then...I find myself in the unique position where everything I am is being disbelieved, mocked, and dismissed. Yeah, I think that qualifies as disconnected."  
  
I stretch out on the grass, resting my head on my arms and staring at the sky. "I don't like feeling like something as simple as religion is turning my friends against me. It's not a matter of what I saw or not anymore-it's a matter of tolerance and acceptance. I was your friend before without you knowing about Wicca. Now that you know-I didn't majorly change in that second. I'm still the same person, only with one more aspect of my life known." I blink-I've been crying a lot, lately....  
  
Heero lays down beside me, propping his head up so he can look into my eyes. "I didn't realize you felt that way, Duo...that we were making you feel that way." He looks away. "I'm sorry."  
  
I'm not normally an empath-I can usually only claim that when I'm either in a trance state or in the circle-but right now, I can *feel* Heero's guilt. He really does feel bad....   
  
I lift up my hand and caress Heero's cheek, turning his face so he's looking at me again. "Just answer me this question," I say softly, putting every bit of seriousness I have in my words. "Do you still think of me as your friend, or have I really changed so much that you can't contemplate ever liking or trusting me again?"  
  
He shakes his head, leaning into my hand. "Iie. You're still Duo. And I still...like you."  
  
Huh? Why is he blushing...? And is he coming closer to me?  
  
My mind finally puts it all together as his lips brush mine. "I like you more then you know," he whispers against my mouth before covering my lips in another, sweeter, longer kiss.  
  
I think I'm in heaven.... I must be dreaming...or dead....  
  
If so, I don't think I ever want to come back to Earth.  
  
**********  
  
end part 5  
  
[1] One of the basic concepts of Wiccan magick. Nothing should be forced-everything thing has to take a natural course. The general feeling-at least, among my friends and I-is that if, say a love spell, was to have any effect, it simply meant that you and that person were going to get together at some point-the spell just gave that extra push to make it happen sooner.  
  
[2] This is *very* important to most Wiccans. Remember that little bit about not causing any harm? Here it is again. Trying to force changes usually just ends up failing and harming the caster in sometimes terrible ways. In worst case scenarios, it will damage the poor innocent as well. This doesn't just apply to love spells, but even things like healing spells. We aren't the Gods...so we shouldn't act like it :)  



	6. Chapter 6

  
***********  
  
If I had ever been into the whole drug thing, I'd swear that this is what it's like to be high.  
  
I *am* high-high on a rush of emotions that I never thought would ever be returned...but they are. Heero...is kissing me. Kissing *me*--I never thought I'd be in this position. I must remember to give thanks to the goddess later....  
  
Gasping for breath, I pull away from Heero's mouth, allowing myself to stare into his beautiful cobalt eyes. They're so...soft, touched with emotions I never knew were lurking there before. "This isn't some dream, is it?" I whisper, afraid to dispel the moment.  
  
"Not a dream," he responds, pulling me closer to him.   
  
"It's just...just too good. Too much like my dreams." I don't know why I'm having such trouble accepting this...maybe because I had convinced myself that Heero could never feel this way for me.  
  
"If it is a dream...then I never want to wake up."  
  
I sigh, snuggling against Heero's side. "Me too." I turn my eyes up to the sky and amuse myself by watching the clouds for a few minutes. Then my eyes turn to Heero. He's laying by my side, eyes closed, and he looks so content...so peaceful. I want this peace to last forever.  
  
With that thought, I suddenly remember what is waiting for me back at the house. Two indifferent fellow pilots and a mess of tension. And a looming deadline.  
  
Suddenly, I'm not so content.  
  
Heero seems to sense my growing unease, and he turns to look me in the eyes. "Duo? What's bothering you?"  
  
"I'm going to have to go back. And-I'm not ashamed to admit this-I'm afraid. Everything's going to change, and while I don't mind change for the common good, this just seems to me as something that can only tear us all apart."  
  
"Only if we let it. Do you think that will happen?"  
  
I think about it. In all honesty...Quarter's too persuasive, I'm too stubborn, and Trowa and Wufei will eventually see to the good of the mission, if nothing else. But those same qualities can sometimes make seeing eye-to-eye difficult.... "No...we'll still keep fighting." I don't specify what I mean though, and Heero wisely doesn't ask for clarifications.  
  
Rising, I brush grass off my black pants. Heero watches me. "Duo?"  
  
"Hmmm?"  
  
"Why do you always wear black? Isn't that a negative color?"  
  
I smile. "Nope. It's actually a protective color, a symbol of the universe and our connection with it. Negative is relative [1]."  
  
"Oh. What meaning does green have?" I laugh.  
  
"It means suicidal Gundam pilots," I say with a teasing grin. At his glare, I give the real answer. "Seriously, it's an indication of someone who has an affinity for plants and the element of Earth." He makes a face and I burst out laughing again. "Well I'm sorry, but I don't think anyone's come up with the official color for computer hacking yet."  
  
"Hn." We begin walking back to the house in silence. I want to hold Heero's hand-I'm so afraid that whatever happened between us was just a fluke of that grove and that it will disappear once we go indoors. Maybe he is a mind reader, though...because as soon as I think that, Heero reaches between us and grabs my hand.  
  
I have a feeling I've got the silliest grin on my face right now.... If Heero can be affectionate like this, then it can't be as bad as I'd thought...can it?  
  
He lets go of my hand before we can enter the house, and I'm not surprised or hurt by this. In all honesty, I don't *want* to advertise-I think I've given the poor people enough of a shock for this week. Maybe next week...presuming we all survive, that is.  
  
I make a beeline for the kitchen, my stomach reminding me that I never got the chance to eat breakfast so I head for the kitchen, Heero trailing behind me.   
  
When I enter the room, I find myself facing a flashback from this morning, nearly driving my appetite back into retreat. However, I'm not planning on any spells or rituals that require fasting, and it's just better all around for me if I get some nutrition. So, ignoring the scrutiny, I go about making a sandwich.   
  
Food in hand, I sit down and take a bite. Once I'm assured of at least that much sustenance, I decide to break the silence of the pilots, of which Heero has joined. "So...what's it to be? Am I going to be burned at the stake or hanged?" Nothing like a little humor to break tension. Though, judging from the shocked looks, and the anguished one from Heero, I might have to rethink that theory....  
  
Apparently Wufei is the spokesman for today. "Maxwell. I discussed this with Trowa, and we-and I'm sure Quatre and Heero feel the same-just want to know one thing. Why?"  
  
"Why what?" I ask. "I mean, that covers so much ground...."  
  
"Why do you believe in Wicca?" Trowa asks me, emerald eyes meeting my own. "I know you spent some time in a church, so...how did you go from Christian to Pagan?"  
  
I sigh and settle back in my chair. "A reasonable question. Why am I Pagan? Why do I follow the Wiccan path? It...feels right to me."  
  
I turn my eyes to the table as I consider my next words. "Look, almost all religions are the same at the core. So many of the basic beliefs, truths, and values are similar. It is only the labels that differentiate in that respect-the labels, and some of the specifics.  
  
"The Church has always had a history of corruption, and that is still, by and large mostly true. The majority of Catholic officials care little about anything about politics and their own advancement within the Church and it's own structure. Certainly not about the poor, or homeless, or the desperation in the world [2]. After...what happened...." I swallow. I still don't like talking about it. "I found myself back on the streets, where I saw how badly the colony was being abused. It was once a pretty place, with wonderful gardens and parks and such...but people stopped caring, so everything fell apart and into disarray.  
  
"I was introduced to Wicca on those streets when I saw a woman trying to heal a plant. I had no idea what she was doing, and when she stood, I bombarded her with what must've been a thousand questions. And she actually gave me answers, and the answers seemed to agree with a lot of what I believed in."  
  
I smile-this is one of the few fond memories I have. "When I asked, she began to train me in the beginnings of the Craft, and I...took to it. It filled something in me that I never thought could be filled. Finally, I had faith in something. I began to amass a collection of books-though they were mostly stolen, and I read and absorbed everything she taught me. If I had spare money, I bought my own stones and supplies-I never stole those. It didn't seem...right to me.  
  
"When I left L2, all I took with me was the cross I had gotten from...the church...and my supplies and stones. As time went on and I had the means, I amassed more...and I've never stopped learning."  
  
I sigh again and stare out the window. "I suppose the real reason that I practice the Craft is because it allows a person to be whoever they *really* are. You don't have to feel compelled to try and be something you aren't. And you don't have to feel bad about any of your emotions, as long as they harm no one. And, besides, any religion that can turn something as simple yet joyous as laughter into something sacred and holy [3] has my vote." I smile.  
  
Quatre looks at me. "Duo...I've never heard you speak with such passion...such conviction...." He sounds awed. "Who was that woman?"  
  
I shrug. "I never knew her real name. It never seemed important to me, compared with what she was teaching me out of the goodness of her heart. I mean, she didn't *have* to train a street rat." I chuckle. "You know, sometimes I wonder if she was just a manifestation of the Goddess, trying to give me hope from hopelessness and something to believe in...."   
  
I pull my mind from the past and back into the present, daring to look at Trowa and Wufei for the first time since I started talking. I catch my breath at what I see there.  
  
Acceptance. They might not *understand* my beliefs, and they might not believe in the Sight or magick or anything like that themselves, but...they can understand and accept that I hold my own beliefs, and accept me fully for who I am.  
  
So...this is what relaxation feels like...I've been tense for so long that I think I'd forgotten. I smile tentatively at the two, and I am greeted with two small smiles from them. Quatre notices and starts beaming, and even Heero...well, he doesn't *smile*, but his face relaxes. That is happy for him.  
  
It's nice...we feel like *friends* again, not just a random team of pilots. I think I'd just be content to bask in this silence and this feeling forever. I'm welcome in the fold again....  
  
However, Quatre breaks the silence. "Well, now that that's settled," he says, eyes becoming serious again, "what do we do about Duo's vision?" Just like that, the mood sobers, and I'm reminded of something that I had-finally-managed to put out of my mind for awhile.  
  
Three days. I can almost *hear* some cosmic clock ticking off the minutes in the back of my mind.  
  
Good question, Quatre. What *do* we do now?  
  
Because I'll be damned if I have the answers to this one....   
  
**********  
  
end part 6  
  
**********  
  
[1] No symbol, color, whatever, starts out negative-it only becomes that through association with the black arts and evils. Interesting bit of trivia-the swastika is a prime example of this. What it is a reversal for an ancient symbol meaning 'life.' It was only the use of it by the Nazis that turned it into something associated with evil and death. I am, by the way, in *no* means condoning what the Nazis did-I am merely explaining some of the history behind the swastika. I am deeply sorry if this offended anyone-that was not my intent, and I meant no harm. The pentacle often suffers this fate as well, as it has been associated in high profile with satanic cults.  
  
[2] I am in no way trying to bash Catholicism here. I attend a Catholic college, and I know what good things the Church does do. And I respect them and the organization for that, even if some of my beliefs and politics differ from those of the Church. However, corruption definitely does exist, and remember, this is Duo talking-he's not exactly the most innocent person out there. Rather, he's rather cynical and jaded due to his past, so this is, I think, a reasonable way for him to see the Church. Once again, I mean no one any personal offense by this.  
  
[3] 'All acts of love and pleasure are sacred to the Goddess.' Which, yes, includes laughter too. All emotional states are sacred, but these especially so, since they create such powerful effects on the mind...and besides, it's great being in a religion where you can laugh at some things that are part of it and you don't have to feel guilty for it-because if you can't see the flaws in your own beliefs, then you have no right to be trashing someone else's :) Just my humble opinion.   
  
***********  



	7. Chapter 7

***********  
  
"Do we stay or do we go?"  
  
A simple question. Wufei has a way of doing that-putting the problem in its simplest form. "Well...that depends," I say, staring at the table.  
  
"Depends on what?" Quatre asks.  
  
"Well...." I look up. "You accept me for who I am. I'm happy about that. But...that doesn't automatically mean you believe every aspect of my religion and philosophy. Worshipping some form of Higher Power is one thing. Believing that I can See the future is quite another. Personally...the farther away we are from here the better, if you ask me. But there's also the problem that we've received no orders to leave, and we'd have a hard time justifying it."  
  
"If that's even safe," Wufei speaks up. "I don't know if I believe this vision of Duo's or not, but I *do* think that we should be cautious nonetheless. For that reason, maybe we should treat the net as corrupted...just in case."  
  
"Thanks, Wu," I whisper. He's making an effort...and I appreciate.  
  
"So...we're staying?"  
  
I try and smile. "Looks that way, Q. We...we don't have a real reason to go."  
  
He looks around. "Is this what we all want?" He is answered by three nods. "Duo?"  
  
"Hey-you know what I think...I'll go with the majority on this one." My mind starts racing with ideas to try and change the outcome on this level.   
  
Heero stands, pushing away from the table. "Where are you going?" Trowa asks.  
  
"To try and secure the house...just in case," he replies. Can't fault him for that-I'll be doing my own bit later on, I'm sure....  
  
With Heero's leaving, we all scatter, Wufei to read in his room, and Trowa and Quatre...well, I don't want to think of that. Well, I do, but replacing the participants....  
  
I find myself heading back into my room, where I collapse on the bed. I need to think...about a lot of things.... I just need to break it down.  
  
One-I'm out of my broom closet. As much as they accept me, I know that this will change things in many ways. Who knows-maybe one day they will even come to believe in my abilities-though I think that if the attack happens like I Saw, that they will believe me-if we live to see it out. A mental picture of Wufei asking me for a tarot reading presents itself, and I chuckle. If I ever crack the great rationalist himself, that'll be a major accomplishment.  
  
I sigh. Either way, all I can do is take the few steps I can and put everything else in the hands of the Goddess. If the Lady takes us, then it is our time. I just have to remember that. And accept that-though I'd prefer to live.  
  
Second-Heero. I have this small issue-I like knowing where I stand with people. It's one of the reasons I've been doing all this agonizing about my friends and their reactions.   
  
I love Heero, and I'm not ashamed of that. And I believe that Heero has some sort of feelings for me-otherwise, why would he have kissed me? But was it some temporary loss of control, or does he want me in his life? I'm just not sure, and the only way I can be sure is to go and talk to him.  
  
But...can I? Am I brave enough? I know one thing, though...I have to be. To save my own sanity, if anything else, to have it settled in my own head. But there's another reason as well.  
  
Should it go...bad...for all of us, I refuse to let myself pass the Veil without being honest with myself. That means being honest about my feelings, thus talking to Heero. It's a matter of faith combined with my own personal ethics.   
  
Looking at it that way, my decision is made, it seems.... Now, to find Heero....  
  
Finding Heero is easier than I had anticipated. At some point he must've finished his security check, because he is in the living room on his laptop. I stare at him for a minute, losing myself in his beauty, before I clear my throat, trying to attract his attention. It works-Heero turns to look at me. "Duo?"   
  
I swallow. "Heero...I was wondering...can I talk to you...I can make some tea...." Yes, I do drink things other than coffee...and right now, herbal tea sounds good to me.  
  
"If you want, Duo."  
  
I blink-I hadn't expected him to acquiesce so quickly. "Well then, go in the kitchen. Let me go get some tea and I'll meet you in there." Heero nods and goes about shutting down his laptop as I leave the room.  
  
I really don't pay much attention to what I grab-I want to get this over with. When I enter the kitchen myself, I see that Heero has kindly started water heating. I smile at him, then busy myself finding mugs and the honey, then checking the kettle. I can hear Heero sigh in exasperation-I guess he caught on to my delaying tactics.   
  
"Duo?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Did you ask me in here to talk or to watch you flit about the kitchen?"  
  
I chuckle. "Caught me, Heero. I do want to talk...just let me make the tea. Sit down." He does so, and I grab the packet I had gotten from my room, looking at it to see what I had grabbed. I flush as I look at the packet. My lemongrass-rosehip combination. Hmmm, my subconscious mind must've been hard at work there.... [1] I add the water, steeping, then drain the cups and take them to the table. Heero can add his own honey.  
  
"Here you, go," I say, adding about four tablespoons to my own mug, then wrapping my hands around the cup, staring into the liquid.   
  
"Duo...."  
  
"What am I to you?" I ask, cutting him off. I'm barely aware of my words-at least not consciously. I'm just going with my instincts. "Am I a friend and you kissed me in the heat of some moment, or do you...feel something for me? Because I love you, and I just want to know where I stand with you, Heero."  
  
"Is that all you have to say?" I nod, feeling my heart sink-Heero wasn't exactly using the most...friendly of tones. I look up in time to see Heero literally slam his tea back. I blink-if I infused this batch right, and if Heero *does* have strong feelings of, well, at least lust for me, then he'll be sorry he did that when he feels the effects later. "Can we take this conversation somewhere more...private?"  
  
I nod and stand, silently leading him to our room. Maybe that' all his problem is, he didn't want to discuss his feelings in the open. Maybe he's not about to break my heart....  
  
Hey, I can hope, can't I?  
  
He shuts the door behind us, then leans against it, watching me as I walk over to my bed to sit. He appears lost in thought for a few minutes, then comes over and joins me on my bed. "Did you mean it?" he asks me.  
  
"That I love you? Yes, yes I do."  
  
"Duo, I...." He sighs. "Duo, I do not know what love is. I have nothing to compare the feeling to, no grounds for reference. But...I do feel something for you. I want to protect you, hold you, make sure you're always happy...make you mine. This is how I feel for you."  
  
"Sounds like love to me," I whisper. I'm trembling. "Because that pretty much describes how I feel for you, feel about you. I want you, I need you, I care for you...I love you, Heero Yuy."  
  
I'm not sure what I was expecting to happen next...but my lips are suddenly covered by Heero's in a long, sweet kiss that leaves me breathless and *very* glad that I'm sitting down since I don't think my knees are capable of supporting me any more. Heero's hands begin to lightly stroke my sides and he leans in towards me. Taking a moment to nibble on my earlobe he whispers, "What do you want, Duo?"  
  
"You," I respond, nuzzling Heero's neck, dropping light kisses on the skin there. "You're all I ever wanted."  
  
He pulls back and looks at me. "All?" he asks. I could almost swear that he's smiling.... His hands wander under my shirt and caress my bare skin, fingers sliding up to tease my nipples.  
  
"Well...maybe not *quite*...all...," I say, gasping for breath. How does Heero do this to me? I begin to return the favor, tugging his tank out of his shorts, only I don't just slide my hands under the shirt-no, I remove it completely. "But I think we're getting closer to what I want," I murmur as my lips begin tracing a path down Heero's collarbone.  
  
It's Heero's turn to gasp as I push him down onto the bed, continuing my oral assault down his chest, lingering at his nipples. "Duo...I...I...."  
  
"Talk to me, Heero," I whisper, moving down his torso, tongue tracing the waistband of his shorts. "Tell me what you want...tell me to stop...but tell me *something*, Heero." My hands wander over the bulge in his shorts, and he arches up into the touch. "Please...stop me before I can't."  
  
I always knew Heero was strong.... In one fluid motion, he lifts me and turns us so I'm under him. Before I can do so much as blink, he's got my shirt off and my parts unfastened, grinding our hips together, turning me into a trembling mass. "Who said I wanted you to stop?" he asks breathlessly. "Maybe I want more...if you do." His hips begin moving in small circles, teasing me even more, driving me nearly out of my mind with want.  
  
"I-Heero...." I can't even get out a coherent sentence-I don't think I've *ever* been this turned on before.... "Please...."  
  
"I want to be inside you, Duo," Heero murmurs throatily. "Can I? Is that what you want, too?" I'm reduced to merely nodding, pulling Heero closer to myself in a pitiful show of how great my need is. Heero drops another savage kiss on my lips...then leaves me.  
  
It takes a minute to register that I'm cold and alone on my bed, but by the time it penetrates the haze surrounding my brain, he's returned...with a tube of those medical lubricants that you find in first aid kits. Oh.... Understanding dawns as Heero removes his own shorts, then makes short work of my pants and boxers. I allow myself the pleasure of just gazing at Heero's naked form.  
  
By the Goddess, he's absolutely beautiful! In my eyes, absolute perfection, one even the Greek sculptors couldn't even rival. My eyes wander down his chest to his arousal, and, that's beautiful, too. Perfect.  
  
It takes me a minute to realize that while I've been staring, Heero's been doing some gazing of his own. He wraps me in his arms. "Duo...I might not believe in God, or your Goddess, but I think you're a divine being...look at what you've done to me.  
  
I blush. "I'm only mortal, Heero," I mumble, looking away from those eyes pinning me. "A mortal who loves you so much."  
  
Heero is silent for a second, then kisses me, tenderly and lingering, fully exploring and tasting, not leaving my lips until I'm breathless and trembling, not with embarrassment, but with want. "Let me take you, my Duo," he finally whispers, lips still brushing my own.  
  
I lie back, spreading my legs. "I'm yours."  
  
Heero is amazingly gentle as he prepares me, but so passionate.... I cry out as he finally enters me, managing to hit that place deep within me with every thrust. Just as I think I'm about to fly apart from all the sensations, he reaches down to take my arousal in his hand, and that's it, I'm lost, falling into a whirlpool of emotion and sensation as I come. Over my own cries, I can dimly hear Heero shouting as he reaches his own peak, and I can feel him, deep within me...it feels so *right*.  
  
Breathlessly, he withdraws, collapsing beside me and wrapping me in his arms. "Are you all right, Duo," he asks, brushing back a strand of hair that had worked loose from the braid.  
  
"Just perfect," I reply, snuggling up against him. I don't want to ever lose this feeling.... "I love you, Heero."  
  
He doesn't reply, but I don't mind too much. Gently, I stroke his back, soothing him into sleep.   
  
The words are not there, but I could *feel* it in his touch, his actions....   
  
And I can wait for the words. They are not as important as one would make out. He knows and I know. That's good enough for now.  
  
I feel myself falling into slumber, and, just as I'm on the edge I realize-this is the first time I had been able to completely drown out that little countdown in the back of my mind....   
  
**********  
  
[1] *blushes* This...is one of my personal aphrodisiac formulas. Both lemongrass and rosehips have wonderful soothing qualities, and they help in inducing psychic dreams, but both have an aphrodisiac quality, and when combined and enhanced with the right feelings-because even aphrodisiacs won't work if there isn't some underlying lust there...well, we'll just say it's effective *blushes more* Time for my 'don't try this at home' warning-if you've never worked with herbs, I'd advise against trying to make things like your own teas-you might accidentally end up using something poisonous or creating a poisonous combination. If you know of an herb shop or apothecary near you, then go to one of those for help, and sometimes they sell things pre-packaged.  



	8. Chapter 8

I wake up alone.  
  
In a way, I'm reminded of my spell and circle work. No matter how much I relish my work, and how much good it does for me, there's always the moment immediately after the rite where the euphoria is replaced by emptiness. Sort of how I feel right now.  
  
Of course...thinking on what Heero and I had done...I can't stay down for too long. Even if I do die, I'll have at least done this much. I won't die with regrets...well, at least without these particular regrets.  
  
I roll over and look out the window, disdaining the clock in favor of the light outside the window. Hmmm...moon is two fingers above the horizon. Eight-ish? I turn to the clock, and sure enough the answer is there-8:03. No wonder I'm hungry.... I throw on some clothes and my pentacle. Time for food.  
  
Still grinning, I practically float into the kitchen. Once again, I'm the last one there. I swear, one of these days I'll beat at least *one* person here. Until then, I'll just live with my non-punctual reputation. Funny-I can estimate times by the position of the sun, moon, and stars in the sky, but I have a hard time being actually on *time* for anything except missions. I should work on that if I live....  
  
Excuse me. I'll work on that. No 'ifs' about this-have to think positive. After all, Fate isn't written in stone.... Nope, it's more like a road map. Point A and point B are there, but whether you take the scenic or direct route is up to you [1].  
  
I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts...and it's about now that I become aware of everyone staring at me. "Duo?" Quatre asks. "Everything all right?"  
  
"Hmmm?" I look at him, still smiling. "Oh, yeah...everything's perfect. Too bad it's not Beltane [2]." I chuckle, thinking of all the jokes I've ever heard...or told, for that matter.  
  
Quatre looks like he's going to question me, but he appears to toss it aside. "What were you and Heero doing this afternoon, anyway?" he asks instead, picking at his rice. "You both disappeared, and he's not talking."  
  
Big surprise. I look over at Heero, and he meets my eyes, shrugging. I get the message-it's up to me. I think for a second-then decide to have fun with this. I can feel my grin become wider and a touch more evil. "Well, Heero and I were together."  
  
"Oh, really? What were the two of you doing?" Wufei looks up from his plate and at me. "Reconnaissance, something of that sort?"  
  
"Nooo...actually, Heero and I were celebrating the Great Rite [3]." I sit back, and wait for the confusion and questions to start flying.  
  
Trowa's eyes narrow. "You...had Heero do one of those Pagan rituals of yours?" he asks.  
  
"Nope." Have to hold back the laughter, have to....  
  
"So...what's this rite of yours?" Quatre leans forward, wanting the answer.  
  
I lean in and lower my voice as if I'm about to impart a great secret that I really shouldn't be. "You really want to know what the Great Rite is?" Three heads nod, and Heero just sighs. Hell-he was there earlier. If he hadn't been able to put two and two together by now, I'd be worried.... "Sex." I sit back, still grinning.  
  
I'm rewarded by three confused pilots. "Sex?" Wufei asks, almost as if he's afraid of the answer.  
  
"Yup! The Great Rite-another term for sex."  
  
"So...that means...if you and Yuy celebrated the Great Rite, then...." Wufei turns beet red and looks down at his plate.  
  
"Oh," murmurs Trowa, while Quatre starts giggling. Heero looks at me, face slightly pink, but does not comment.  
  
I finish eating my rice, ignoring the chicken stir-fry. I've got plans for the next couple nights, and while I don't need to fast, animal flesh lowers sensitivity, and while sometimes this is a *good* thing, and most times it doesn't matter, I want to be at my height.  
  
Quatre studies me. "Great Rite, hmmm? I'll have to remember that one...." Now it's Trowa's turn to turn red. Good thing we all knew about their relationship, otherwise it'd be known now.  
  
"Hey, at least I didn't say we're handfasted [4]," I say, shrugging and standing. "I'm going to be outside-no one bother me unless it's life or death until I come back in, please." I leave the room before I can be asked any more questions. I just have to hope that they allow my privacy. Gathering my supplies from my room, I head outside.  
  
Sighing, I drop my bag to the ground. Right now, I'm at the point of any little bit helping...and if a protection spell can at all help, I'll try it. First of all, though, I bury an amethyst by the door. Step one in warding off evil....  
  
I dig out my sea salt, sage, and a censor, taking a deep breath as I pour the herb into the censor and light it.   
  
Casting a protection ring is much like casting a circle, only people and objects in general can move in and out of it. They're set up to protect from certain things in particular...in this case, OZ soldiers bent on destruction. Calling on the Goddess and the elements to protect the space and those who inhabit, I walk the circle with the censor three times, and then again with the salt three times. In addition to the stone I had already buried, I also bury a piece of jade, onyx, malachite, and quartz at the directional points. Standing back again with my athame, I raise the powers of the stones into a 'shield' of sorts, surrounding the house.   
  
Gasping, I drop to the ground. It's been a long time since I've set up a protection spell-I only have to occasionally renew the ones I had put on our Gundams, and that's easier to do than the full working. What, you're surprised that I cast on *all* our Gundams? Yes, I had to do it in secret-and I don't know if I'll ever tell them-but they're my friends and it's worth it. Besides, there's a small part of me that likes to believe that it was the spell I had put on Wing that helped Heero survive when he self-destructed.  
  
I finally manage to gather enough strength to drag myself back into the house, where I find everyone sitting in the living room, staring at me. Heero jumps us and drags me to the couch, forcing me into a seat beside him.  
  
"Baka," he chides, looking at me. I almost think I see worry buried in those eyes, but I'm not positive.... "What were you doing out there? You were out there for three hours."  
  
I blink. "Was it that long? I had no idea...." I fight off a wave of vertigo. "I was...." I cast my eyes to the floor. I'm sure they don't want to hear it.  
  
"You were doing some sort of spell, weren't you?" Quatre asks quietly, aquamarine eyes shining with concern.  
  
I blush. "Well, yeah. Had to try, at the very least. It's not done, though."  
  
Heero's grip tightens on me, as if he thinks I'm going to go right back outside this second and finish what I started. I wince and pull away a little. "Not right now! But I do need to reinforce it a couple times over the next couple days." A glance at the clock confirms my words-two days, all right. Two days before either I'm confirmed, or made to look like a fool.   
  
Although...if it means that Death is totally averted-never even happens-then I think my pride can take the beating.... In fact, I'm sure of it.  
  
I try and smother a yawn, and Heero glares at me. "I'm taking you to bed right now," he says, just daring me to argue.  
  
I might be tired, but I will never pass up the opportunity to make a hentai comment...it's just not me. "But Heero, I don't know if I have the strength to keep up with you in bed right now." I blink my eyes. That's me-all sweetness and innocence.  
  
I don't think I've ever seen a room clear so fast before.... Heero frowns. "That's not what I meant," he says, scooping me up in his arms.  
  
"Oh? And this is supposed to give me a clearer meaning?" He snorts and closes the bedroom door behind him, dropping me onto my bed, then turning to crawl into his. "Heero?" He looks over at me. "Can...can you sleep with me? I mean, just to hold me?"  
  
I need a human presence.  
  
His gaze softens. "I didn't want to be presumptuous...."  
  
I lift the blanket. "Come to bed, Heero." He does, and I snuggle up next to him. This is what I needed...I don't want to feel alone....  
  
Heero's arms wrap around me, holding me close to him. Like that, soothed by his heartbeat, his breathing, I fall asleep, feeling slightly less afraid.  
  
He seems to do that to me....  
  
**********  
  
end part 8   
  
**********  
  
[1] This is only one of the Wiccan views of the Fate vs. free will debate, and the one I personally ascribe to. Yes, there are certain things in life that are predetermined, but it is up to you to shape events as you will based on the information at hand. For those of you who were asking about how Duo's vision could possibly be averted, well, this is an explanation. They simply have more information. Of course, whether it will work or not is anybody's guess :-p The other fairly common Wiccan views are those where everything is totally Fate--*everything* is predetermined, or that everything is up to you and you alone. Of course, there are other positions, too-too many to recount, I'd say. And, I think that's enough of an insight into my personal philosophies for now :-p   
  
[2] Beltane-the most infamous Pagan holiday :-p This holiday-celebrated either April 30th or May 1st, there are debates to which is the actual traditional date-is one of fertility and a blessing on the land and crops for the coming growing season. Couples will jump fires hand-in-hand in order to ensure a birth in the next year. Also, one of the rites is what my friend and I refer to as 'ritual sex.' Yep-sex in the great outdoors with the partner of your choosing...and by this, yes I *am* implying that non-married and homosexual couples are accepted. 'All acts of love and pleasure,' remember? :) Sexual energy is actually considered a very powerful and positive force that is *encouraged* in particular festival as a way of blessing the land. There are other reasons for this act that have deeper meanings in the religion itself and can sometimes be hard to trace.  
  
[3] Gotta love euphemisms.... *Especially* when everyone else in the room is clueless :)  
  
[4] Handfasting is the Wiccan marriage ceremony, but it's not as strict as that. For one, unless it's performed by someone who has the power to marry, it's not a legal binding in this day and age. Also, there are many forms of the ceremony. Like, I could ask my girlfriend to join me in a handfasting ceremony that would be the equivalent of an engagement, a promise for more. Or, it could very well be used as a marriage ceremony. I know a couple Wiccan couples who are either planning this as a second ceremony after the legal one, or planning one of these ceremonies as a renewal of their vows. Either way, it's a way of expressing and formalizing the bond between lovers on many levels-physical, emotional, spiritual, and psychic.   
  



	9. Chapter 9

I wasn't aware that time could pass by so quickly....  
  
We're down to the wire-one more day. I spent yesterday in a haze, reinforcing my protection spells, and engaged in meditation, trying to see if I could See anything else, or at the very least, trying to ground myself.  
  
Well, the future seems to be sealed to me, and as for grounding...well, when Heero forcibly removed my hematite from my hands, he nearly burned himself [1]. I probably should've warned him....  
  
Actually, to be accurate, we have less than a day. It's nine a.m. now, and, assuming I read the sky right, Death will come at around 2 a.m. tomorrow. So, in actuality, we have seventeen hours.  
  
Seventeen hours to either forestall disaster or to give into it gracefully.  
  
Me-I'd rather go out fighting.  
  
I enter the kitchen, still yawning-I've used up a lot of my energy the past couple of days-to find everyone else around the table, staring at me. Is it me, or has the kitchen become the social hotspot over the past couple days? I suppose it's because it's centrally located, and we all have to eat, but still....  
  
I sit down and watch as Quatre puts a bowl of oatmeal in front of me. I smile at him-he was the first to pick up on my sudden vegetarianism-but I ignore it. I just don't have an appetite...definitely been pushing myself too far [2].  
  
I look up to see Trowa looking at me, opening his mouth, then closing it again. After watching this a few times, I finally took pity on him...sort of. "Trowa? Are you going to say something, or would you rather work on your fish out of water impression some more?"  
  
Trowa actually blushes slightly. "Well...I was just wondering.... Can't you do something if your prediction comes true?"  
  
I look at him. " 'Something?' Care to define that?"  
  
He waves a hand uncertainly. "You know, fireballs shooing from your fingers, lightening from the sky, something like that?" Wufei and Quatre nod in agreement. Heero just sits there-at least *he* knows better."  
  
I sigh. "All right-lesson time. Tro-man, you know I love you-not like that, Q-but I think you've been reading a few too many fantasy novels. The Craft doesn't work like that-not in real life. The magick aspect is manipulating the natural energies that occur in both yourself and the natural world around you. The laws of physics still apply here. As a practitioner, I can manipulate those energies, but only to a certain degree. To create those flaming balls you were talking about, it would take more than I as a vessel could handle. Sure-it can be done, but it would kill me. Not even a full coven could handle the energy transfer that would be required for that. We're talking the equivalent of standing in the middle of a nuclear reaction.  
  
"What I *can* do, however, is channel those energies into forms, so to speak, that run with that natural courses. It's kind of like...." I pause, trying to think of a good analogy. "Electric fields, I think, would be the closest comparison. You all know as pilots how to manipulate those fields...like crossing the positive and negative wires on a battery. Well, think of me as a battery. I can *channel* currents, but I can never exceed my own limits. Like I'm a triple-A, and you want something that can only be done by a car battery.  
  
"So, because of all that, and some other things, I can...ummm...*encourage* certain reactions, strengthen certain natural barriers, but anything out of those realms doesn't really work." I sigh. "Look, I know that's a pretty poor explanation, but it's honestly the best I can do without going deep into both philosophy and theology. It's one of those things you have to take on...faith." [3]. I shrug and slam back my orange juice. Yep, no coffee for me this morning-caffeine is a mind-altering drug, and that's the *last* thing I need right now, thanks all the same.  
  
"So...the options are still the same," Quatre comments. "Stay or run."   
  
"Stay," says Wufei. "I am no coward, and I will never run based on hearsay."  
  
Why am I not surprised? "Look...I thought the decision had been made. We're staying. I just want to know what we're going to do?" Four faces turn to lookv at me, and I chuckle. "What-did you think that I'm just going to stand here and let myself be killed? I'm all for self-defense."  
  
"Fine." Quatre props his chin on his hands. "So...you'd suggest...?"  
  
"Being alert and armed," I reply promptly. "In my vision, the element of surprise was firmly on their side. If we have that advantage, it might be enough."  
  
"What about that spell you cast?"  
  
I sigh, resisting the urge to bang my head against the table. "Q, I can't even begin to explain how that works. The best I can tell you is that it calls upon the strengths of the elements to protect us. Not in the literal sense of the earth rising up to smite enemies, but in the sense that those Powers act as kind of a...deflector, so to speak. Sending out vibrations that on a subconscious level discourages those who come with evil intentions. But it's not foolproof, and I've never used this particular spell against an oncoming *army*. Best to throw it in the category of 'home court advantage,' and not 'miracles.'" I chuckle. "I'll leave those to the Lord and Lady."  
  
Quatre nods, and I can see his mind turning, the things that make him a master strategist at work. "All right, then...you said two, right?" I nod. "Then we should meet back here at eleven tonight." I understand-couple hours leeway-I know my time estimate wasn't the most accurate, but it was the best I could do. He looks at us. "Be armed and ready. And Duo?"  
  
I look up at Quatre. "Hmmm?"  
  
He smiles at me. "Get some rest. I've been watching you run yourself ragged the past couple days. If your battery comparison is accurate, then you're sorely in need of a recharge."  
  
I nod and stand, yawning. "Sounds good to me, Q," I murmur. Funny how I didn't feel tired before Quatre mentioned it.... I blink, grabbing onto the table as the room begins to spin. Heero reaches out and grabs my arm, keeping me steady.  
  
"I'll put the baka to bed," he says, steering me back towards the bedrooms.  
  
"Hey...not a baka...just concerned about your miserable hides...all of you," I whisper, leaning my head on Heero's shoulder.  
  
"And we appreciate it," I hear Wufei say. "But go to sleep."  
  
Heero drops me onto my bed. "Rest now, Duo," he says, brushing my bangs out of my eyes. "It's out of your hands now."  
  
I blink up at him. "Wake me up at dusk?"  
  
Heero looks at me. "Why?"  
  
My eyes slide away from his. "I don't think you want to hear why," I mumble.  
  
"You're not going to exhaust yourself," he admonishes, pulling a blanket over me. "Ill wake you at nine."   
  
My eyes begin to droop closed. "Love you, Heero...don't want anyone to be hurt...."  
  
"No one will be, Duo." I feel a hand pass over my hair, and I could swear that I hear Heero say he loves me too, but it could be part of the dream that pulls me in as soon as my eyes close.  
  
**********  
  
I wake to gentle shaking, and cobalt stars shining above me. "Duo?"  
  
I sit up, instantly awake, allowing both street and battle instincts to lend themselves to this feat. "Heero?"  
  
"It's time."  
  
I nod, glancing at the clock. Nine-fifteen...it is time.  
  
Fight or flight, live or die, fate or fortune....  
  
I'm too young for these deep thoughts, I reflect, as I rise from my bed and follow Heero out of the room. I hear the clinking of flatware in the kitchen and guess that someone's eating, but I bypass that room and instead settle on the sofa in the living room, staring out the window to the night sky. Usually I love the sight of the Moon, but tonight....  
  
Tonight it is mocking me. Reminding me of the one thing I wish I could forget.   
  
I am...not proud, but satisfied with my abilities. With having the Sight. They are a part of me, and they have been a comfort in the most unstable of times, knowing that there were some things that *nobody* could take away. Like my faith. And the Sight.  
  
But...right now...I almost wish I did not have those Gifts. Because then we wouldn't be in this situation right now. I wouldn't have thrown our group into turmoil, we wouldn't be worried at this second about dying-we'd be living our lives....  
  
A voice deep inside me whispers, 'But you would've ended up dying without the chance to fight. At least now you can. You'd still be living in secrecy, almost shame. You wouldn't have Heero....'  
  
Someone sits down next to me, and I jump. "Thinking deep thoughts?" Quatre's voice asks me.  
  
I chuckle ruefully. "You could say that," I sigh, forcing myself to relax again.  
  
"About what, if I may ask?"  
  
"About the things that are, and the things that might have been. About situations that I cannot change...but that I wish I could...or couldn't...." I sigh and rub my eyes. "Lots of things."  
  
"Well...if it's any consolation to you...I wouldn't have a single thing be different."  
  
I look at Quatre. "You're joking. I almost tore us apart...I-"  
  
"You've made us stronger," Quatre interrupts. "You made us face things-and parts of ourselves-that we never had to before. We're stronger as a group. Trowa's and Wufei's eyes have been opened to other possibilities out there, Heero has relaxed some and joined us more, and I...." Quatre giggles. "I've become more introspective. I'm not taking things on face value so much anymore." His eyes bore into mine. "Overall...I don't regret this. Don't regret this, Duo."  
  
"He's right." I jump again at the unexpected intrusion of Trowa's voice. Turning, I see Heero and Wufei behind him. "I can't say that I am happy with what I have discovered about myself, but I am happy that I have discovered it." He drifts over to sit next to Quatre.  
  
"Even among those who fight for justice and peace, there is still prejudice," Wufei comments, sitting in his customary chair. "We needed to know and try to eliminate that."  
  
Heero says nothing-he doesn't have to. I see it in his eyes. His feelings for me...and his relief that they are known. Instead of taking a seat, he comes behind me, leaning against the back of the couch, a hand casually draped across my shoulder. "We're all here," he says evenly. "We might as well get started."  
  
I send a quick prayer to the Lord and Lady as we begin to plan for our futures...our lives.  
  
**********  
  
end part 9   
  
**********  
  
[1] Hematite-at least in my experience-has this wonderful (yes, this is sarcasm) quality of heating up when used for grounding purposes in meditation. The amount of heat the stones absorb is directly proportional to the amount of stress--both physical and emotional-a person is under. And yes, it is possible to burn. The person doing the grounding doesn't feel the heat, but let me tell you, my friend and I have both burned ourselves handling each others' stones after we've been grounding. That's what college will do to you :-p   
  
[2] I can't speak for any other Wiccans, but this happens to me all the time. If I use my reserves in spell-casting moderately, I usually get hungrier than normal, but if I push myself past those limits, I lose my appetite for the next few days. Just so you know, this is *not* a smart thing to do. Another 'do not try this at home' warning, if you will. *Always know your limits!*  
  
[3] *sighs* That is *worse* than a poor explanation, but sadly, it's the best I can do. I've been studying the Craft for almost seven years now, learning as much as I can, but this is one of the realms where magick crosses into the sciences and mathematics-and yes, this does make sense, because there is a theory that magick is just science that hasn't been formally 'discovered' yet. I happen to believe this myself-so much of our technology today would be considered magick by those who lived in the distant-and even not so distant-past, especially in terms of medical breakthroughs. But, I'm wandering off topic :) The *reason* this is the best explanation I can give is because, well, I am a history major, and I've never had much of a head for the hard sciences. My good friend here, who also follows the Craft, is a physics major, and it is she who can make coherent sense in the point I was trying to make *sighs again* I asked her for help with this, so she tried to explain it to me-this is what I absorbed, and that's just the simplest of concepts. *contemplates taking a physics course next semester*  



	10. 

  
"Duo, sit down."  
  
My head whips up, and my eyes meet Wufei's. "What?"  
  
He sighs. "Sit down and stop pacing. It's not helping, and you're just wearing yourself out."  
  
"I suppose you're right." Sighing, I sink into a chair, just to stand and begin pacing again five minutes later. Behind me, I hear Wufei sigh, but he remains silent this time.  
  
My eyes drift to the clock. 1:30. We've done all we can, planned all we could, and now...now all we can do is wait. Heero's on the roof with a pair of binoculars, watching, Quatre and Trowa are...somewhere, and Wufei and I are in the living room--him trying to read, and me pacing like a nervous cat.  
  
The silence is wearing.  
  
"'Fei?" I say, thinking that I can at least draw the guy into a little casual conversation, help lessen the nerves somewhat.  
  
He immediately stiffens. "Do *not* call me that, Maxwell," he hisses.  
  
I plop down on the sofa. "You know, I always wondered why that bothered you more than 'Wu' or any addition to that nickname. Can you tell me?"  
  
"No."  
  
I bat my eyes. "Please? We might die soon...."  
  
He looks at me, and his demeanor changes. I didn't realize that I was *that* tense.... "If I tell you, you promise it won't leave this room?"  
  
I nod. "I promise."  
  
Wufei sighs. "Well...do you know any Chinese?"  
  
"Not much."  
  
"Well...there are several translations for 'fei.' The one that is in my name-when written in characters, not romanized letters, translates as," he blushes, "'imperial concubine.'" [1]  
  
My jaw drops. "Well...that would explain a lot, wouldn't it?" I grin. "But don't expect me to stop calling you that. I won't tell anyone else, but I retain my right to call you as many annoying nicknames as possible!"  
  
Wufei sighs. "Maxwell...." He pauses. "I give up. As long as I have your word that you will *never* reveal what I told you."  
  
"Scout's honor!" I say, holding up my hand, smiling. Our moment of levity was interrupted by Heero.  
  
"Where's Trowa and Quatre?" he asks without preamble. Before we can respond, they walk in.  
  
"What's up?" asks Trowa. But...I can see in his eyes that he knows. I think we all know.  
  
Heero's eyes are flat and cold-the 'mission' look. "It's time."  
  
I swallow. "Then let's go."  
  
**********  
  
It's terrible...a living nightmare.  
  
And I've lived this one before.  
  
Fate is a real bitch sometimes-even when you think you've taken every variable into account, there's always one you missed. We plan for a surprise attack-they have larger forces. I'd ask someone to shoot me, but there are too many people here all too willing to do just that.  
  
"Duo! Behind you!" I hear someone shout, and I whirl in time to shoot the bastard before he can shoot me.  
  
"Thanks," say, finding myself next to Quatre, who had shouted me the warning."  
  
"Hey, what happened to that whole 'harm none' thing?" Quatre asks, as we move in back-to-back and begin shooting.  
  
"There's a proviso to that," I respond over the hail of gunfire. " 'Harm none, except in defense of yourself or others [2].'" I tilt my head, indicating the battle raging around us. "This looks like someone trying to harm me and mine to me."  
  
Gradually, we manage to fight our way into an easily defensible corner. A quick look around shows that Trowa and Wufei have managed to do the same thing, while Heero.... "He's going to get himself killed," I murmur.  
  
Quatre gives me an odd look, but doesn't comment. "Are those protection spells working at *all*?" he asks me instead.  
  
"Of course." I gesture to the soldiers who are within my boundaries. They're stumbling a little, looking disoriented and a little in pain from things other than gunshot wounds. "All I could be able to do was throw them off some. But a moment of disorientation may be all we need when it comes down to it."  
  
Trowa makes his way over to us. "You all right?" he asks, mainly focusing on his love."  
  
"We're fine," Quatre assures him. "You?"  
  
"Flesh wounds-nothing serious." Trowa shrugs, and pauses to fire off another round. "But look-the tide is turning."  
  
He's right. We're defeating more soldiers, and they're becoming less accurate the closer they come. I smile grimly. "It's not over, though."  
  
"No-are you *sure* you can't create giant fireballs?" Trowa asks, trying to make it seem like he's joking-but I can tell he's serious.  
  
"I wish." A muted shout catches my ears, and I turn just in time to see Heero collapse-shot in the leg. "Heero!" I cry out, all instincts propelling me to rush to defend my love.  
  
"Duo-" Quatre catches at my sleeve, but I brush him off, jamming my last clip into my gun. Heero's up again, but-that wound has him now at a disadvantage. A weak spot-and weak spots can be exploited.  
  
I'm not as stupid as to go running straight out into the middle of a firefight, though. I work my way over to him, keeping to cover wherever possible, and darting quickly wherever I can't. I can hear Trowa laying cover fire, and I offer up silent thanks.  
  
I'm just about too Heero, when I see something I don't want to. I have to force myself from closing my eyes to block out the sight, and one Sight replaces another, as I am greeted with something straight out of that nightmare vision.  
  
I had thought we were safe. The danger signs I had seen for the others had come and gone, and everyone was still alive-a bit battered and bloody, perhaps, but alive. Foolish me-I thought we were safe.  
  
But Heero...Heero shooting those in front of him, those he catches in his side vision, but...the downfall of the Perfect Solider-he is so focused, he doesn't see the danger behind him. A lone Oz solider-raising his gun. All I can see is Heero-him now, in my mind's eye, holding him, making love with him, his small smiles just for me, the Sight I saw as the bullet tears through his head....  
  
My decision is made. "Goddess protect me," I whisper, grasping my pentacle. "Heero!" I cry, launching myself at him.   
  
Have you ever felt like something is happening in slow motion, like it does in the movies? That's what this moment is like. I can see Heero turn, just as the Ozzie pulls the trigger, I reach him, throw myself into him....  
  
A streak of red rushes through my vision and I scream as I feel the bullet penetrate my flesh. I see Heero's eyes narrow in rage as he gazes at my form as I fall to the ground. I wish I could remove my spirit from my body, but I only have time to send a quick prayer to the Morrigan [3] before everything goes black.  
  
**********  
  
I open my eyes slowly, fully expecting to find myself on the other side, but instead find aqua eyes meeting my blurry gaze. "Praise Allah," I hear a voice whisper, then the eyes leave my range of vision. The same voice then shouts, "He's awake!"  
  
'Quatre,' my mind supplies, putting a name to the eyes and voice, and as soon as I do that, memory returns. A fight, Oz soldiers, Heero.... 'Guess I survived...but....' Suddenly feeling frantic, I try to raise myself up from wherever I'm lying, but a pair of hands forces me gently back down.   
  
"Easy...you'll hurt yourself again-or worse," a quiet voice tells me. 'Trowa.' My mind is becoming less and less fuzzy.  
  
I lick my lips, trying to moisten them. "W' happ'nd?" I mutter.  
  
A glass of water is raised to my lips, and I sip slowly. "You were shot," Trowa informs me, drawing the glass away.  
  
I find I have a voice again. "Duh, but I mean...the fight...what happened?" I'm propped up, and I look around the room. Trowa's with me, and I saw Quatre, but what about Wufei, and.... "Heero?" I look around frantically. No...he can't be....  
  
Quatre appears in the doorway, flanked by Wufei, and-"Heero!" I cry-well, express as loudly and joyfully as I can, which, in my condition, isn't much.  
  
He comes over and takes Trowa's place on the bed beside me. "Baka," he says, but I can see the worry and relief in his eyes as he takes my hand in his.  
  
"Love you too," I retort quietly, causing him to smirk a little. I clear my throat and speaking at bit louder so everyone can hear me, I ask again, "What happened with the fight?"  
  
"You saved our lives," Wufei says from where he is leaning on the doorjamb. "After we finished killing the Oz soldiers, Heero found a message from the scientists. Oz had managed to hack our systems, and thus were able to locate us. If it hadn't been for your...unorthodox warning, we would most likely be dead by now."  
  
Quatre smiles. "After you were shot, I...I've never seen Heero so angry. He just...stood over you, shooting with a deadly calm and accuracy I've never seen. And you were so still, we...." He blinks back tears. "We thought you were dead-dead trying to defend those you had doubted you. I think we *all* fought harder because of that." Trowa and Wufei nod their agreement.  
  
I look at Heero. "You...you did that?" I ask, incredulous.  
  
"They hurt the one I love," he says. It was said flatly, blandly...but I can hear the emotion behind the words-and what it cost him to say them out loud. "I...had to protect you."  
  
I raise his hand to my lips, kissing it gently. I'm about to say something, but something else penetrates. "But-if our safehouse was found...where are we now?"  
  
"A new safehouse," Quatre replies. "After we finished fighting, we gathered as much stuff as we could-and you-and fled to a new location. We've moved one more time since then, to here."  
  
I blink. "Just how long have I been out of it anyway?"  
  
"Ten days," Heero whispers, and this time the pain is evident. "We...we were wondering if you were ever going to wake up. You...you were shot in the neck...it almost killed you, almost paralyzed you."  
  
I grip his hand as tightly as I can. "But it didn't," I whisper fervently. Out of the corner of my eye I see the other three making a discreet exit, but I shove that to the back of my mind, focusing on Heero. "They were going to *kill* you-I couldn't watch that, not again."  
  
He doesn't need to ask what I mean by that. "Baka," he hisses again. "You could've been killed...and I would've lost my life still."  
  
"Your...life?" I can't hope...I won't let myself....  
  
"Hai...you *are* my life, Duo. A-aishiteru...I love you...I don't know...what I'd be without you...."  
  
I raise a finger to his lips, silencing him. "Shhh...I know. I love you too, and I *know* what would happen to me without you. Why do you think I risked everything to *save* you?"  
  
Heero lies down next to me, wrapping me gingerly in his arms, like I'm made of fragile porcelain. We lie there in silence, until Heero breaks it. "Duo," he says, brushing a lock of hair from my face so his eyes can meet mine. "I want to be with you...forever."  
  
My breath catches in my throat. So many dreams coming true.... "Then...then would you be willing to handfast with me, to join your life, destiny, and soul with me? Would you be willing to be mine for this lifetime [4]?"  
  
"Only if you will be mine." Heero's lips brush my forehead.  
  
"Heero...I've *always* been yours."   
  
Our lips meet in a gentle, yet deep kiss, and I discover a new magick, a magick that I now realize has been fueling me in it's hopeful form, a magick that is now fully realized. The magick of love.  
  
I'm glad I didn't See this in the fire that day, or any other. I used to wish that I *knew* how Heero felt for me, but now...now I wouldn't give up the surprise and passion for anything.  
  
I may have risked everything when I revealed my vision and my Wicca ties, but...I've gained so much....  
  
As our kiss deepens, I give into the sensations and stop thinking, giving in to the fire now burning in my soul...a new eternal flame.  
  
**********  
  
[1] *Many* thanks to my friend Theresa for this little tidbit :) The things you discover from your friends at mealtimes.... And we're not kidding, too. There are about six translations for 'fei,' and one of them *is* 'imperial concubine.' We both found this *very* amusing :-p I have no idea if this is the official translation used (probably not), but...well...it's cute :-p Thanks, Theresa, and I hope you don't mind my using this-I needed a humorous moment before the heavy stuff :)   
  
[2] If you remember, the original statement was, 'Do as ye will, an' ye shall do no harm.' Just a quick clarification-harm means hurting someone intentionally, or thoughtlessly by not considering all potential consequences. However, if someone is trying to harm you, or another innocent, then you are allowed, and even encouraged to fight back. The ancient Celtic priestess often would kill a man who would attempt to rape them-this was a theme that was employed by the Rennunicates in Marion Zimmer Bradely's Darkover novels, among other books. Basically, in many ways, Wicca is a religion of empowerment-and allowing yourself to be a meek victim is not exactly empowerment. I hope this makes some sense to y'all (sorry-my Southern blood coming through :-p).   
  
[3] The Morrigan is a (I say 'a' because there are a few) Celtic goddess of death, wrath and vengeance. She's also called the 'war hag.' I chose this for two reasons-one, the connection to the whole 'God of Death' thing Duo has, and two, because, well, the Morrigan is a vengeful bitch :-p Either you'll have the strength take the bastard who hurt you to the other side with you, or can get up and kill their sorry ass :) And I have feeling that Duo would be feeling a touch vindictive right now :-p   
  
[4] This is a formula that is used by many Wiccans I know when asking their loved one to handfast-i.e. marry-with them. I use 'this lifetime' because there are some people who feel that the concept of being mated to one soul throughout all lifetimes a bit confining. And besides, even those Wiccan who *do* believe in the soulmate connection often feel that it is unfair to lock someone into a promise that they might not be able to keep for various reasons, like if both souls don't incarnate at the same time, or one of the two happens to die in a lifetime before the other does. Since I feel that Duo would take *any* vow made seriously-as would most Wiccans-that's why I had him say this.  
  
**********  
  
The End  
  
Well, it's been a long trip, but it's over! I'd like to thank everyone once again for your encouragement and wonderful feedback during this whole process. Hope you enjoyed it :)  



End file.
